This is the great and fantastic tae kwon do epic, which was all started by one funny photograph I happened to snap at our tae kwon do tournament this March.
Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Wayne, Rick, Mandi, Jeremy, Mr. Goble, or anyone else from the Black Dragon's Den. Master Hennert and Master Aich are mine. I don't own the song "MacArthur Park." I don't think Mr. Goble likes romance novels. The nickname "Famous Byron" is mine. Any martial arts school listed therein except for Black Dragon's Den is probably not real. As far as I know, South Paulsen, OH, does not exist, nor is there a karate school there. Ed and Rick have changed ranks since I wrote this story; both are now black belts. I'm really not a great hacker, and I don't have plans to take over the world. However, I am the proud owner of three of the small shiny men who can kick high (trophies). This is is NO WAY reflective of anyone's character - most of these people are the nicest folks you'd ever hope to meet. Thank you, and enjoy.
It was one fine March day, and everything, unfortunately, was going to plan.
Ed Ruesink, Wayne Brewer, and Dr. Rick Giovannone were the three culprits in this odd tale full of odd twists of fate, small shiny men who can kick high, and doughnuts.
Let us describe the participants in this story in detail, so you will familiarize yourself with them and their surroundings. Ed is a red stripe, polite to a fault, always with a smile on his face and a kind word in his heart, a cheerful anecdote never too far from his lips. Wayne is also a red stripe, tall, with glasses and a motorcycle, always ready to tell a joke or smile at someone else’s. Dr. Gio is also a red stripe, polite to a fault, friendly as a koala, always ready to help out another student, and never too busy to share the technique for a perfect two-step back-swing kick.
Then why, you may ask, were three such perfect gentlemen in such a terrible situation? That thought haunts my own brain, you must be sure. But now, to make things perfectly clear, I must explain to you where these three martial arts students were on the particular day where everything, unfortunately, was going to plan.
These three dapper Dan’s (or Ed’s, or Rick’s, or Wayne’s) were at the Black Dragon’s Den Martial Arts Tournament at the Merillat Center at Adrian College. They were all dressed identically in their uniforms, which consisted of their gi tops, matching white pants, and their belts. Ed and Wayne sported glasses, metal-framed. Dr. Gio sported no glasses. None of the three wore shoes… duh. It was a martial arts tournament. Okay, so you’ve figured out exactly where these three chaps were on the day where everything, unfortunately, was going to plan. Now all there is to do is explain it…
“Hey, Ed!” Dr. Gio greeted his fellow martial arts student.
“Good morning yourself, Rick!” Ed said, placing his bag on the floor. “Have you seen Wayne?”
“Of course! He’s at the concession stand, buying a doughnut.”
“Sounds great. Hey, what division are you for sparring?”
“Let me check.” Dr. Gio set his own bag down and checked his fluorescent green wristband. Before he could answer Ed’s polite question, a group of fun-loving martial arts students, all teenagers, headed past them for the boards table. “I’ve got to buy my boards for the breaking demonstration!” he said.
They stood in line behind the fun-loving teenagers, who were eagerly discussing who was more “bling-bling,” Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee. Bruce seemed to be losing the argument, but Ed wasn’t too sure. “So, Rick, how are the radishes?”
Dr. Gio looked blank for about four minutes. Then a half-smile lit his face and he said, “Oh! Yes! The radishes. They’re growing heartily.”
Ed nodded, for this was code, in case you hadn’t figured that out. “I’m glad to hear it. How are Wayne’s radishes?”
Dr. Gio looked blank again, for about three minutes. Ed sighed. Then another half-smile lit Dr. Gio’s face, and he replied, “They’re growing heartily as well.”
“Good!” Ed said, and shook his head.
They bought their boards and went back to where they had left their gear. Wayne was standing there, writing on his own boards with a black Sharpie. “Good morning, gentlemen! And how are the radishes?”
“Growing heartily!” Dr. Gio and Ed said in unison.
“Glad to hear it. The harvest will be shortly after three.”
The three men nodded in unison.
A bit after noon, the tournament was well under way. Students from different schools, age groups, and rankings competed against each other in weapons, forms, sparring, and breaking. The large army of small shiny men who can kick high diminished quickly in size.
The three men met up later in the afternoon, before their sparring division. As it turned out, Dr. Gio and Ed were in the same sparring division, and Wayne was in one two rings over. Their plan would be very easy to complete. They just had to make sure the right judges were in the right rings.
“Division number 34 is now meeting in Ring 4!” the announcer called.
“That’s my division,” Wayne said to Ed and Dr. Gio.
The announcer named off division 35 and 36. “That’s our division, number 36,” Ed said.
“Check who the judges are,” Dr. Gio suggested.
Ed peered over to Ring 6. “Okay, we’ve got Master Stein, Dr. Salzwedel, and Mr. Winters. Wayne’s got Master Barrow, Dr. Weinstein, and Mr. Hertel. The plan will go perfectly. Wayne, you know the right shovel to use. Rick, you remember the gardening gloves, okay?”
“Sure thing.” Wayne Velcroed his sparring pads to his hands and adjusted his helmet. Dr. Gio nodded. Everything was going according to plan.
Master David Stein bowed in the group in Ring 6. “Our first two contestants will be Aaron Lallow and Ed Ruesink,” the scorekeeper announced.
“Yes, sir!” two voices chorused.
A man from the back stepped forward and stood before Ed. He was tall, muscularly built, wearing a uniform from the Gray Dragon Academy in Two Rivers, Indiana. His rank was brown belt. He nodded to Ed before they took their places in the ring. Master Stein gave a few words of warning about back shots and contact. “Fighters ready, toes on the line, ready, fight!”
The match went well, and Aaron Lallow kept it competitive until the end. Ed lost, 3-2. Then it was Dr. Gio’s turn. He fought against Brian Maysinger from the same academy, and won, 3-1.
The matches were going well for our two heroes in Ring 6, and the same was true for Wayne in Ring 4. His last opponent, red belt Ken Hamaka, was fast-paced, with a tendency to hit low and quickly, but stood no chance against Wayne’s devilish side kick. The match was over quickly, 3-2.
The announcer’s voice crackled onto the microphone. “There is a blue Yugo in the parking lot with its lights on, license plate number HL5 57F,” she reported.
Dr. Gio looked at Ed, who looked at Master Stein. “Sir, that’s my Yugo. Permission to bow out to take care of it,” Dr. Gio requested.
“Yes, sir,” Master Stein replied, and bowed to Dr. Gio. Two more students took the ring, and no one noticed as Ed slipped out behind Dr. Gio.
Over in Ring 4, Wayne was giving the same excuse to Master Barrow. The same response was given. Wayne had just been beaten by Charles Struder, and now Charles and the last opponent, Ian Drow, were fighting for the title. Master Barrow saw no reason for Wayne not to be able to take care of his car. Wayne grabbed the “gardening tools” on his way out, and hightailed it.
Our three hapless chaps met in the parking lot with their baggage in tow. But as they piled into the blue Yugo with its lights on, they weren’t aware of someone watching them. Two someones, to be exact.
Mandi Bristoll and Sarah Hart were watching from the window of the Merillat Center. Sarah’s sparring division had been long over, and Mandi’s had just finished. Both had placed in their divisions, earning a small shiny man trophy. “Where do you think Ed, Wayne, and Dr. Gio were going?” Sarah asked Mandi.
Mandi twirled a braid with one finger. “I don’t know, but Vaca-Matt was following them, so it must have been important.”
Two people ran up then. One was a woman, dressed as a yellow belt. The other was a black belt male. “Did you see which way Mr. Goble went?” the woman asked.
“No, Serena, he just left with Ed, Wayne, and Dr. Gio.”
The black belt male, Famous Byron, sighed. “He was supposed to judge a black belt sparring division,” he said.
“We can go after him,” Sarah suggested.
“Would you? Master Rodriguez will be upset if he isn’t back in time to enter the sparring division,” Famous Byron said.
“Oh, here,” Serena said, and pushed a green folded piece of paper at Mandi. “Ed left this in Ring 6 just a moment ago.”
Mandi took the paper and unfolded it. It was a map, crudely drawn, with directions to a place called Nantucket Street. On the map was written: “Get the goods. Get out of town. It’s simple. WAYNE.”
“Hmmm…” Mandi said. “Sarai’i, go get Jeremy. We’re going on a road trip.”
“He’s waking up!” Dr. Gio exclaimed as Matt Goble sat up and rubbed his head.
"Good,” Wayne said, keeping his eyes on the road. For now, he was driving the rusty blue Yugo, which actually belonged to Master Claire Hennert from the South Paulsen Ishin-Ryu Academy of South Paulsen, Ohio. Stolen goods, a kidnapped body… they were in enough trouble as it was.
“What are you guys doing?” Matt asked groggily.
“We’re kidnapping you,” Dr. Gio explained. “Scooby Snack?” He offered the brightly printed box of wheat crackers to the disgruntled black belt.
“No thank you. Why are you kidnapping me?”
“It’s our plan,” Ed replied. “We’ve made a pact with the South Paulsen Isin-Ryu Academy that they would take the Grand Champion award this year.”
“Money was involved, I take it?”
“Why, sure!” Wayne exclaimed.
Matt sat back in his seat. “Where are you taking me?”
“South Paulsen, Ohio, of course,” Dr. Gio replied.
“We don’t get paid if we don’t deliver the goods,” Ed added with a smile in Matt’s direction.
In Mandi’s battered 1987 Ford car, our three clueless good-doers were hot in pursuit of Ed, Wayne, Dr. Gio, and the sadly kidnapped Matt Goble. Sarah had fallen asleep in the back of the car, suitably warm in her coat and gi. Jeremy navigated from the green map, Matt’s backpack on the floor beside him. They had stolen it out of the men’s dressing room. Mandi kept her eyes on the road, hunting down a rusty blue Yugo, which a Master Claire Hennert had reported stolen twenty minutes before our heroes had begun their chase.
“Okay, turn left here.”
“Jeremy, this is the interstate.”
“I know.”
“Where does this map lead?”
“Says here South Paulsen, Ohio. The Ishin-Ryu Academy.”
“I know where that is.”
For awhile they drove in silence, the radio blaring rock music. No blue Yugos were spotted. No men in tae kwon do uniforms popped out of nowhere, announcing their guilt. It was, as anyone could have told you, a dead end.
But these three weren’t giving up yet.
Sarah awoke past Monroe, and said, “Anything?”
“Not yet. We should be getting close, though; South Paulsen is the next exit,” Mandi reported.
“Good. Wait! South Paulsen? I saw at least five or six people from their Ishin-Ryu Academy at the tournament today.”
“Yeah. We think that’s where they’ve taken the unfortunately kidnapped Mr. Goble,” Jeremy said from his position in the front seat. “Okay, take a right here!”
Mandi swung the car to the right, and it barreled across the interstate and onto the exit ramp, Sarah and Jeremy hanging on for dear life. “Okay,” she said as they all breathed in relief. “Now where?”
Ed, Wayne, Dr. Gio, and Matt were still in the blue Yugo. They had, however, bought beef jerky, Snapple, and banana-flavored Moon Pies. These were inexpensive snacks, which was good, because gi don’t generally have pockets.
Ed was asleep and snoring. Dr. Gio was reading “Asimov’s Guide to Roleplaying Like a Master.” Wayne was still driving. Matt, uber-black belt that he is, still hadn’t figured out how to get out of this situation.
And that, my friends, is unfortunate.
Wayne took a Moon Pie and unwrapped it without looking at it, his eyes concentrated on the road. He turned up the radio, which was playing an old blues version of “You’re The Man I Love (On Sundays).” Matt recognized the tune as one of his uncle Joe’s favorite blues tunes, but he said nothing. His fingers twitched back and forth on the knot securing his black belt around his red gi top, itching for something to do.
Ed let out a loud snore. Dr. Gio turned a page. Matt saw him began a chapter called, “Now That You’ve Got a Roleplaying Name…” Gosh, he was bored. His backpack, containing his textbooks, extra clothes, two granola bars, a water bottle, a novel by Rose Clark (Matt’s favorite romance novel author), and his wallet, was back at the Merillat Center.
Or so he thought. “Look at this stuff!” Sarah hooted, rummaging through Matt’s green and black backpack. “A romance novel? Granola bars?”
Mandi shrugged, her eyes on the road. “Okay, how much farther to the Ishin-Ryu school?”
“Says here about forty miles or so,” Jeremy replied, tugging his baseball cap down over his shaggy hair. “Do you really think you ought to go through that stuff?”
“I’m sure Mr. Goble won’t mind.”
They pulled into a rest stop five minutes later, and trooped into the gas station with about four dollars in change, hungry for snacks. Their snacks of choice were Chee-Tos, Moon Pies (not banana-flavored), and Clearly Canadian water. The clerk who rang up their order couldn’t stop staring at the two – to her – oddly-dressed girls. “You know,” she said, snapping her gum, “there were four guys in here not fifteen minutes ago with the same type of outfits on. Same patch and everything.” She gestured the circular Black Dragon’s Den patch on both of the girls’ gi tops.
“Could you describe these men?” Mandi asked.
“Why, sure,” the clerk said, cracking her wad of pink gum. “One was tall, and he was wearing a red shirt just like yourself. The other three were wearing white tops, like hers” – she nodded at Sarah – “and they all had red belts on. Two wore glasses. One was kinda older. One had kinda shaggy, longish hair.”
"Wayne, Ed, Dr. Gio, and Vaca-Matt!” Mandi exclaimed.
The clerk shrugged. “Whatever. That’ll be three dollars and fifty-seven cents.”
Snacks purchased, our three intrepid troopers headed back to the car. Jeremy spread the map on his lap and opened a Moon Pie. He handed this to Mandi. “Okay. It says here that we should take Exit 54, which is right after the exit for St. Brunhilda Road.”
Sarah said, “What if they’re already there?”
“You mean at the Ishin-Ryu academy? Well, there isn’t much we can do about it. I just want to know what they want with Vaca-Matt.”
Matt was missing his romance novel something terrible. As Ed slept on beside him, Matt recounted the plot in his head. Beautiful, daring Sonya was living with her cruel Aunt Matilda, who forced the attractive, bosomy blond to work for her, never receiving any time off. Then one day, a handyman came to Aunt Matilda’s ugly mansion. He was the most handsome man Sonya had ever seen, and his name was Thorn Fairfax. He was tall, with sea-green eyes and dark brown hair. Sonya fell deeply in love with Thorn Fairfax, who promised her every day that they would run off to Halifax and have three children and a white picket fence.
Oh, Matt loved the book. He often imagined himself as Thorn Fairfax, who was bold, brash, and handsome. The only thing Thorn was missing, Matt thought, was a black belt.
Wayne spun the radio dial as the stations came in and out of static. Finally, he settled on a country station, which was playing “Hey, Baby, Don’t Take My Tractor” by Stu Black and the Texas Cowboys. Matt smiled inwardly. He knew that Wayne always had a softness for country music.
Dr. Gio turned another page. He was now on Chapter 4: “So, You Want to Make Roleplaying Garb.” He looked intensely at a picture of a man dressed in medieval-style clothes, then glanced up at Wayne. “Say, Wayne, is there any more beef jerky left?”
Wayne checked the Yugo’s cup holders, where he had earlier stashed several sticks of beef jerky. “Nope. Ed must have eaten the last one before he went to sleep.”
Matt sighed.
“What are you thinking about, Matt?” Dr. Gio asked.
Matt jumped, as though startled to find himself still in the blue Yugo, held prisoner by crazed tae kwon do students, instead of at Aunt Matilda’s mansion with the bosomy Sonya. “Oh, just a book I’m reading.” He briefly described the plot.
“Sounds interesting,” Wayne said. “I’m a fan of nonfiction, myself.”
“I like pie,” Dr. Gio said.
Matt almost chortled.
Wayne swung the Yugo into a parking lot and consulted a hand-drawn map he was carrying. “Does this look like the place, Rick?”
Dr. Gio looked at the building before them. It was a single-story, brown-front building squeezed between a K-Mart and Sally’s Nails and Beauty Supply. A large, hand-painted sign over the door read, “South Paulsen Ishin-Ryu Academy.” Underneath that, in smaller letters, was, “Master Claire Hennert & Master Steve Aich,” and a phone number. “It appears to be,” Dr. Gio replied.
Wayne shook Ed. “Ed, wake up. We’re here.”
Ed snorted briefly, then woke up. “Oh, good! Is Master Aich here?”
“We just arrived,” Dr. Gio answered. “Do you see his car?”
Ed scanned the parking lot momentarily, then replied, “Is that it?” He pointed to a battered brown Ford pickup.
“Do all Ishin-Ryu students have really ugly cars?” Dr. Gio wondered aloud.
“No, that’s not it,” Wayne replied. “Master Aich drives a Subaru.” He pointed across the parking lot from where they were all looking to a green Subaru station wagon with a bumper sticker reading, “I Get My Kicks from Ishin-Ryu.”
“Well, that certainly looks like a Subaru,” Dr. Gio said.
They hefted Matt out of the Yugo and dumped him unceremoniously on the front Ishin-Ryu school. Then all three of the others peered in the door, which was at the front right of the school. It appeared to be like any other martial arts school. The main room had a wood floor, except for a part in the corner where blue mats were laid down. A punching bag hung in one corner. Three doors led off the main room. They each had a painted sign, one reading “Office,” one said, “Dressing Rooms,” and the last said, “Bathroom.” A few folding chairs were set up against one wall. Portraits of the school’s masters, present and past, hung over the door to the office, along with some shiny trophies and medals. Pictures cut out from newspapers decorated one wall near where the folding chairs were. A tall cabinet in the corner had one door open; Blast Shields could be seen through the open door. A bucket next to the cabinet held sparring gear – helmets, foot pads, hand pads, and shin guards. On the right side of the cabinet was a tall, man-shaped punching dummy, much like Sarah’s “boyfriend,” Bob, at Black Dragon’s Den.
“He’s not here,” Wayne said in disgust.
Master Aich might not have been, but someone else certainly was… three someone elses, to be exact.
“Turn, turn, turn!” Jeremy cried.
Mandi swung the steering wheel and the beat-up Ford bounced into the parking lot of what appeared to be a strip mall. It contained K-Mart, Sally’s Nails and Beauty Supplies, Mark’s Music, Target, and – squeezed in like a bad movie during a Hitchcock film fest – was the South Paulsen Ishin-Ryu Academy. “Here?”
But the question was ill-asked, for all too soon she saw the reason they had come. Ed, Wayne, Dr. Gio, and a very disgruntled looking Matt Goble were in front of the Academy. All four were in their tae kwon do uniforms. While Matt, Dr. Gio, and Wayne still looked presentable and pressed, Ed looked as though he had slept in his gi… which he had.
Our three heroes dashed out of the car, Mandi slinging her keys around her neck, Jeremy folding the map, Sarah grabbing Matt’s backpack. They ran towards those gathered on the steps. “Hey!” Sarah yelled in their general direction.
That got their attention. Wayne and Ed, who had been looking in the door of the Academy, turned around. Matt looked up. He recognized our three heroes, and smiled. Dr. Gio stood, arms crossed over his body, looking confused.
“Hey!” Sarah repeated. The three of them came to a halt in front of the Academy, staring down the four already there. Then she realized who she was talking to, and stood back, allowing Mandi to take the lead. The shorter black belt girl stepped in front of her comrade, braids tossed over her shoulder, staring down Wayne, Ed, and Dr. Gio.
“We’d like to know what you’re doing here,” she said calmly.
“We’re meeting Master Claire Hennert and Master Steve Aich for lunch,” Wayne replied, just as calmly.
“We are?” Dr. Gio asked, astonished.
Wayne gave him a sharp kick to the shins. “Yes, we are. What are you doing here?”
“This place looks pretty deserted, if you ask me,” Mandi replied.
“They’re arriving.”
“Seems to me that when we left the Merillat Center, Master Hennert was asking if anyone had seen someone drive off in her car. Seems to me it was a blue Yugo.” She looked pointedly at the car, occupying a place over by a dark green SUV.
“Well, then Master Hennert must have her car confused with someone else’s,” Wayne replied smoothly.
Mandi glanced over at Matt. “So, Matt,” she said, addressing the black belt directly, “I thought you’d be a shoo-in to win the black belt sparring division this afternoon. Why did you come all the way here?”
Matt opened his mouth to answer, but Dr. Gio and Ed shot him glaring looks. He must know something we don’t, Mandi thought. Maybe they’ve got a secret weapon.
“If you don’t mind, we’ll be going in to have lunch soon with Master Aich and Master Hennert,” Wayne said. He looked at Ed, who went over to the Academy door and knocked in a repeated pattern for a few seconds.
The door swung open a little more than a foot, and all four disappeared inside. Mandi, Jeremy, and Sarah dashed after them, but the door was closed in less than a second, and a lock clicked shut from inside. The door was locked. A shade drew down, and everything inside the South Paulsen Ishin-Ryu Academy was hidden from view.
The phone attached to Mrs. Bristoll’s belt rang. She flipped it open. “Hello?”
“Mom, we have a situation.”
It was Mandi. Mrs. Bristoll set down the T-shirt she was folding and handed it to her other daughter, Leyna. The two of them were working the merchandise booth at the tournament. “Where are you, Amanda?”
“South Paulsen, Ohio.”
“What for?”
“We have yet to figure that out.”
“Well, you need to figure out how you’re going to get back here… the black belt division sparring starts after the Master meeting, in twenty minutes.”
“Forget it, we can’t make it back that fast. I need some information. I need to know if Master Claire Hennert is still there.”
Mrs. Bristoll glanced over at the tournament check-in table, where the Masters were meeting. She recognized the starched white uniform and dark braid of the owner of the South Paulsen Ishin-Ryu school. “Yes, she’s still here.”
“Okay, good. Don’t let her leave.”
“Why not?”
“It’s very important that she be there. Thank you very much. We’ll be home soon.”
“We?”
“I’ve got Jeremy and Sarah.”
Mrs. Bristoll put her head in her hands.
“So, what’s our plan now?” Jeremy asked. He was reading a slightly damp, torn copy of Good Housekeeping, which had been left by someone on the sidewalk in front of the Academy.
“Well, we do have uber-ninja skills,” Sarah said.
“I doubt that’ll help us.” Mandi pulled a slim packet out of the back pocket of her pants. “But this just might.”
“What’s that?”
Mandi opened it and pulled out several things which resembled drill bits and bobby pins. “Lock picks.”
A few minutes later, our two heroes – Jeremy had been left outside to watch for spies, namely Master Claire Hennert – stumbled into the South Paulsen Ishin-Ryu Academy. “Man, it smells like flower-fresh Lysol in here,” Mandi remarked, pocketing her lock picks.
“Yeah.”
They stood up and looked around. “Where’d they go?”
“I guess we have to try all options,” Mandi answered.
Sarah tried the door marked “Office.” It was unlocked and quite empty, as well as being very neat. So was the closet, which contained nothing but weapons, uniforms, and belts. “Nothing.”
The dressing rooms were empty as well. Both were clean, spotless to be exact, but very much so empty.
The bathroom was empty. What a shock. It looked as though it had been scrubbed each and every day. The tile sparkled. So did the mirror.
“They are clean freaks,” Mandi stated.
“And they’re not here,” Sarah added.
“There is always another option. Come on, I’ve got an idea.”
Back into the office again, and then into the closet. Mandi hit the light switch, exposing bos, uniforms, and belts all stacked neatly. Sparring pads and school sweatshirts were placed in cubbies along one wall. A large first aid kit sat to the left of the door. But it was not any of these that interested Mandi. It was the large patch of bare floor at the closet’s end.
“You think that’s a trap door?”
“Looks as good as any to me,” the black belt replied.
And it was. Within moments, the trap door was opened, and the two girls found themselves staring down into a black hole.
Meanwhile, Master Steve Aich had taken Matt, Ed, Wayne, and Dr. Gio deep into the basement of the South Paulsen Ishin-Ryu Academy. “Welcome to my laboratory, gentlemen!” the master said, waving his hands expressively. With a smack on the wall, lights came up and the four were astonished at what they saw. Glass tubes ran everywhere around the room, filled with liquids, crossing each other in different places, spiraling down into glass jars and beakers, and huge plastic buckets, all supported by a large black table running the length of the room. All of the liquids were different colors. Some bubbled. Some shot through the tubes at what seemed to be warp speed. Others fizzed like pop.
Dr. Gio was astonished. He went over to a place along the table where three or four tubes crossed, and began poking at the brightly-colored substances.
“Don’t touch!” Master Aich roared.
Dr. Gio jumped away from the tubes as though he had been shot.
“Well, Steve… uh… how about you give us the money and we can get out of here,” Wayne said.
Master Aich had his back to the men, checking a substance in one of the tubes. “No, no, that won’t work at all. You’ve agreed to the plan. We must wait until Claire gets here.”
“When will that be?” Ed asked, looking at his watch. “We have to get back for the –…”
“Don’t you understand? Whatever you left back there doesn’t matter anymore!” Master Aich bellowed. “You are now part of my plan for world domination.”
“Whoa, man, slow down!” Wayne said, stepping in front of Ed and Dr. Gio, who were both staring at Master Aich as though he had three heads. “What are you talking about?”
“I thought that’s what we had agreed. You give me the black belt, and together we rule the world.”
“I thought it was about winning the Grand Champion Award,” Ed said.
“Really?”
“Master Hennert!” Mrs. Bristoll called, running after the tall woman.
Claire Hennert turned around. “Yes?”
“Uh… Ms. Delaney wants to know if you’d assist her in judging the 13-17 black belt sparring division in ring 4.”
“Certainly, ma’am.” Claire sighed. Her car had been stolen – or so she assumed – and she hadn’t had any contact from Steve in four hours. Something had gone wrong with the plan. And whenever she tried to leave to figure out exactly what, that woman kept stopping her, finding her something to do. Judge the black belt sparring division. Help the Gray Dragon Academy carry this tray of pastries out to the concession stand. Shine the trophies. It was always something.
Claire was determined to get away after this division was finished. If she hadn’t heard from Steve by then, she’d just call him and make up some excuse to that woman about a family emergency. She would understand. She had to.
“Okay, feet first,” Sarah said, and leaned over the hole, feeling for a ladder.
“Why do you get to go down first?”
“Because I’m bigger, and if I fall on you it’ll hurt more than if you fall on me,” the green stripe quickly reasoned.
“Can’t argue with logic.” Mandi shrugged.
The two went quickly down the ladder, listening for noise above and below them. Sarah stopped a few feet above the ground. “Uh… Mandi… there is no more ladder.”
“What do you mean, there’s no more ladder?”
“Well, it just kind of ends.” Sarah felt below her with her foot, holding onto the bottommost rung of the ladder. “Yeah. I think it’s about a seven foot drop to the ground.”
“So let go.”
“Okay.” Sarah let go and fell the rest of the distance to the ground, landing in an undignified heap on what appeared to be a carpeted floor. “All right, it’s safe. The floor’s carpet.” She dusted herself off and moved out of the way.
Mandi dropped down next to her, and they sat there for a few seconds, looking around, checking out their unfamiliar surroundings. Light seemed to be coming from a very long distance away, somewhere down a hallway in front of them. Everything around them was dark. “I guess we go that way,” Mandi said, and indicated in front of them, where the light was streaming from.
“Sounds good.”
They walked for a bit, both silent in sandals – neither had assumed they would be doing this much secret-agent jazz – towards the light. They could hear voices as they came within twenty feet of a large black door. “Well, that was the plan!” an unfamiliar voice said. Both girls assumed that was Master Aich. Then another voice replied, “Well, I don’t think so.”
“Ed,” Mandi whispered.
“Maybe you should check the contract,” Wayne’s voice said.
They came within four feet of the door, which was partially open. Mandi leaned forward. She could clearly see Ed and Wayne, standing to the right of the room. A man dressed in a bright yellow gi top with black trim and black pants with yellow stripes down the sides stood to the left. A black belt was knotted around his waist. Four stripes decorated the end of one end of the belt, and “Master Steve Aich” was written on the other side, along with four Japanese characters. That, Mandi assumed, was Master Aich, or someone impersonating him.
“What do you see?” Sarah whispered.
“Nothing exciting.” Mandi shifted her weight to her right and focused on the left side of the room. Now she could plainly see Vaca-Matt, who had an odd expression on his face. His gi top looked rumpled, but his black belt was still knotted proudly around his waist.
“What are we going to do about it?”
“I’m not sure. I’d say go attack them, but Master Aich’s a fourth degree, and I don’t want to think about what Ed, Wayne, and Dr. Gio are hiding. Vaca-Matt could be our ally if they haven’t brain-washed him.” Mandi wasn’t too sure about how they would have brain-washed Matt, but he certainly looked brain-washed.
Master Aich moved farther left, so Mandi could only see part of his body, mostly his bright yellow gi. “Gentlemen, if I may present to you…” He swung back the cloth over a large… something or other. He had moved out of Mandi’s visual range. Ed, Wayne, and Dr. Gio gasped. “This, my friends, is the world of the future. No rights, no wrongs. Ruled by a team of supreme martial arts dictators.”
Many more gasps.
“And you, my friends, will be among those rulers. But there is one small hitch. In order to make my machine of doom begin its course for world domination, I need the body of one martial artist. After all, you can’t teach a machine to do something without teaching by example.”
Ed, Wayne, and Dr. Gio nodded.
“So, my friends, thank you for bringing me the body of second-degree Matt Goble. He will be a splendid addition to my new world order.”
Master Aich came back from whatever he had been standing in front. “Now, gentlemen, let us retire to the drawing room for some club soda and scones.”
They all left, exiting to the right of the room. Only Matt remained.
“Now’s our chance!” Mandi whispered.
She and Sarah came quickly into the room where the others had been standing only moments before. The room was filled with glass tubes spiraling everywhere. Both girls stopped and stared in unison. “Wow,” Sarah said in a hushed, reverent voice.
“You said it. Come on, let’s get Vaca-Matt and get out of here.”
The two of them rushed over to where Matt had been left. “Mr. Goble, we have to get you out of here,” Sarah said.
He didn’t appear to understand. “Fighters ready, toes on the line, ready, fight!”
“No, Vaca-Matt, it’s not the sparring division. We have to get you out of here.”
“Stop! Judges call for point!”
Mandi threw her arms around his waist and tried to pull him towards the door. “We have to get out of here before the bad people come back.”
“Attacking the judge! One point off! Red stripe, two points! Green belt, one! Fighters ready!”
“No, we have to get out of here!”
A door to the right side of the room swung open with a loud bang. Master Aich, Wayne, Ed, and Dr. Gio walked in. “Well, well, well, what have we here? Two lovely ladies?” Master Aich faced both girls and bowed. “Welcome, ma’am, ma’am, to my humble abode. And what, may I ask, brings you to South Paulsen today?”
“We’ve come for our friend,” Mandi said staunchly.
“Yes. Mr. Goble must come back to the Merillat Center with us.”
“He’s got a Grand Champion award to win.”
“And he must go right now, or he’ll miss it.”
“Right. Of course.”
They were babbling.
Master Aich stood before them, hands on his yellow-clad hips. “Well, ladies, I’m sure he’d love to, but Mr. Goble, as you call him, is currently unable to leave. Unless, of course, you’d like to take his place.”
Sarah and Mandi glanced at each other.
“That’s what I thought. Come, Mr. Goble, we shall begin the process.”
Matt strode boldly towards Master Aich. When he had reached a distance of about four feet from the Master, he bowed and went to bro. “Good afternoon, sir. My name is Matt Goble, and I am from the Black Dragon’s Den. Permission to demonstrate my bo form.”
Mandi shook her head in disgust.
Master Aich bowed in return. “Yes, sir. Please, come this way.”
Matt followed the Master obediently. They disappeared into another door. Wayne, Ed, and Dr. Gio followed.
“Sarai’i, we have to do something,” Mandi said.
“Yeah, like what?” Sarah asked.
“Well, for one thing, what’s with all these tubes? See if you can hack into his computer system and figure out what’s going on. I’m going to call my mom, check on Jeremy, and make sure that Master Claire Hennert isn’t planning to show up for the end of the world.”
Master Claire Hennert wasn’t anywhere near showing up for the end of the world, so Mandi needn’t have worried. Master Hennert was, in fact, driving a pastel moped down the highway. The moped – light pistachio – belonged to Douglas J. Thompson-Gray, a student at the Academy. Master Hennert had borrowed it from Doug for the sole purpose of getting back to the Academy to assist Master Aich. But she hadn’t counted on traffic, or how intensely slow mopeds go when you want them to go fast. She was stuck in traffic, between a VW Bus (in front) and a Honda Accord (in the rear). The Honda’s owner was playing Eminem at the top volume the sound system would go. And if there’s one thing you should remember about Claire Hennert, it’s that she hates Eminem.
And when I say hate, I don’t just mean that she mildly dislikes him. If faced with the white rapper in public, she would most likely commit a felony that would give her life in prison.
“Hey, buddy!” Claire roared, turning around to face the owner of the Accord. “You mind turning that down?”
The owner of the Accord was a fresh-faced young man wearing a Sting and the Police T-shirt, black jeans, and black-framed glasses. He stared up in awe and wonder at this Amazon of a woman in a yellow and black martial arts uniform, and was struck speechless. Then, finally, his hand moved over to the volume knob and turned the stereo system off. The silence on the grid locked highway was amazing.
“Thank you!” Claire barked, and turned back around, gunning the engine of her light pistachio moped.
The end of the world as we know it was coming, and our three hapless heroes were powerless to stop it. All they had on them to stop Master Aich’s new world order were three granola bars, a bad romance novel, sparring pads, Dagorhir weapons, a can of rubber cement, four bagels, a pair of high-heeled shoes, a roll of fishing wire, two rolls of electrical tape, and the collective martial arts skills of a second-degree black belt and a green stripe (soon to be a blue belt!).
It didn’t sound like much, but it was all they had. Mandi and Jeremy lugged the supplies in from the battered Ford, down the ladder in the office, and down into the secret lair of Master Aich, where Sarah was busily tapping away on the computer. “Okay, so this is what I know so far. These liquids are some sort of protein drink which will be given to the most superior martial artists to make them government officials. If we destroy these, Master Aich won’t have any way to make up his super-race of martial artists.”
“What are we waiting for?” Mandi asked, setting the can of rubber cement on the table next to the computer. She grabbed a high-heeled shoe and threw the other one at Jeremy. Together, they began smashing glass tubes.
“No!” Sarah cried as the computer began to make a noise that can only be interpreted as not good. “You’re only supposed to break specific tubes!”
The two stopped their crazy glass-breaking antics. “Tell us which ones.”
Sarah read off the computer-animated diagram of the labyrinth of tubes. “The one to your left, Mandi, and the one just above your head, Jeremy. That one with the pink in it, too.”
Soon the two were back at glass-breaking, and Master Aich’s protein drink was spilling out onto the table, hissing and steaming like hydrochloric acid in a high school chemistry lab. “Is that all?” Mandi asked.
“I guess so.” Sarah looked back at the diagram. Several sections of tube had gone dark on the screen, indicating that they had been destroyed. She clicked on these, and they were removed. “The other tubes are colored water, phenolphthalein, and a solution of agar.”
"Which is…”
“H20, an acid-base detector, and very, very, very hot metal.”
“Which ones do we break?”
“None, for now. I have yet to find the documents on how Master Aich plans on using the hot agar. The water and the phenolphthalein seem pretty harmless.”
The door banged open. Master Aich strode in. Out of nowhere, a trumpet fanfare began. He raised his arms high into the air. “I, Steven Reginald Marcus Duluth Paul-Jean-Luc Jacques Bertram Albert Aich, have done it!”
Our three heroes stood, staring at him nonchalantly.
“I have begun the process of world domination!”
The trumpet fanfare ended, and Master Aich was faced with his laboratory, which was still fizzing all over the table top. “What have you done?” he yelled at Mandi.
“Well, if this is the end of the world, we were going to have some fun with it…”
The story will now take a fifteen-minute intermission so our author can find herself some juice and sing the great REM hit: “It’s the End of the World as I Know it (And I Feel Fine).” If anyone has a problem with these two activities, they are advised to take them up with her when she returns.
“Master Rodriguez, there’s a… situation going on.”
Master Rodriguez turned around to face Mrs. Bristoll. “What did you say?”
“I just got another phone call from Mandi. It seems there’s some trouble at the Ishin-Ryu school down in South Paulsen.”
“What kind of trouble?”
“I don’t really know, she wasn’t quite specific. It didn’t sound good.”
It wasn’t good. Mandi stood in front of Sarah and Jeremy, blocking them from Master Aich. She was watching all the time. He had a look in his eyes she didn’t quite trust. “What do you want?”
“The process has begun. You can’t save your little friend. No matter that you destroyed my precious protein supplements and essential nutrients for the martial artists of the future. That’s okay. I can make more of those. But you… you have meddled in this business for far too long.”
“What is this, an episode of ‘Scooby-Doo?’” Sarah wondered from behind Mandi. It got her a kick in the shins.
Master Aich shot her a look. So did Mandi. Then Master Aich continued. “Everything is in place, except for Master Hennert."
He clapped his hands, and Wayne, Ed, and Dr. Gio came out of nowhere. They had changed their clothes and were now wearing white gi tops trimmed in red and white pants with red stripes. Their red belts had been re-tied and their stripes looked cleaned. In short, they were the dandiest martial artists this side of “Dressing Like Bruce Lee: The Sequel.” Master Aich clapped his hands again, and they stopped about ten feet from our three heroes, watching, at strict attention. “Gentlemen, if you please, the machine.”
They bowed and went behind a long black curtain. When they reappeared, they were wheeling what appeared to be a long cylinder on a rolling table. The cylinder was Plexi-glas and metal, and inside lay Mr. Goble. Sarah clapped her hand over her mouth. Mandi flinched slightly but otherwise did not move.
“Once my machine starts, we will be the greatest rulers this world has ever seen.”
From up above there came a great crash, as though someone was attempting to break through the floor, and then a loud voice singing “MacArthur Park.” Master Aich looked up in pleased surprise. “That’ll be Master Hennert. She’s right on time.”
He smiled evilly. A chill ran down our heroes’ spines.
I believe there’s a point in every hero’s life where they know they are doomed, no matter how much of a hero they are. And I think, for our heroes, that this point was now.
Mrs. Bristoll, Leyna, Mr. Hertel, Famous Byron, and Brooks made up the caravan heading for the Ishin-Ryu school. Prompted by Mandi’s odd, elusive, and seemingly dangerous sounding phone conversations, they were heading out to South Paulsen to figure out exactly what was going on. It wasn’t a long car trip, but they were taking two cars – Mrs. Bristoll’s car and Mr. Hertel’s van – just so that everyone would fit. Mr. Hertel drove with Brooks in his van, and Famous Byron, Mrs. Bristoll, and Leyna fit into Mrs. Bristoll’s car.
They arrived at the school within an hour and a half. Everything was shut, the same way Master Aich had left it. The only things that had changed was the pistachio moped sitting on the sidewalk, and the issue of Good Housekeeping, turned to an article called “How to Bake an American Pie.”
The five of them piled out, looking expectantly at the school. Nothing happened. They got bolder and walked up to the door. Famous Byron tried it and found it was open. “What now?”
“We go in. Mandi’s car is in the parking lot, and so is that ugly pistachio moped Mr. David Stein drove to the tournament today. Something fishy is going on,” Mrs. Bristoll said.
“The Yugo!” Brooks cried.
“What?”
They all turned in the direction she was pointing, which happened to be in the direction of a blue Yugo. “That’s Master Hennert’s Yugo! She reported it stolen right after the sparring divisions started.”
“Something fishy is going on here…” Mr. Hertel mused.
“Darn straight,” Famous Byron said, with the kind of contempt only teenagers can have.
Master Claire Hennert had no contempt. In fact, she was doing just swell. She arrived in the basement, dirty and exhausted from her long trip on the pistachio moped. Actually, the moped had conked out right before the traffic jam had let up. The kind owner of the Accord, even though he had terrible taste in music, offered her a ride. Now she was standing next to her cohort in crime, Steve, and wishing this was just all over. It had all started so simple…
Steve strode to the wall and flipped a switch. Instantly, the tube Mr. Goble was in lit up with fluorescent colors and began to hum. Sarah yelled, “NO!”
Master Aich grinned and laughed evilly.
The cover over the basement fell open, and several people tumbled down the ladder. Mandi recognized the first – “Famous Byron!”
“It is I, come to save the day,” Famous Byron said, striding towards them.
“Watch out!” Sarah cried.
Her warning came too late. Famous Byron ran straight into a pole holding up the ceiling, and fell back, unconscious.
The next few people down the hole rushed over to him. Brooks took a good look at him and said, “Yeah, he’s out. So, how’s it going?” Then she realized the seriousness of the situation.
“Who are you people, and why are you here?” Master Aich demanded.
“Mom! Mr. Hertel! What are you doing here?” Mandi asked.
“We heard you were in trouble,” Mr. Hertel said.
“Not so much as they are now,” Claire said angrily. “Steve, can we just get on with it?”
“I’m attempting, Claire,” Master Aich said, rather disgruntledly.
Jeremy poked Mandi in the shoulder and gestured rather discreetly to the corner of the room. Unbeknownst to anyone else in the room, Leyna had crept over to the tube where Mr. Goble was being held. Mandi glanced at her and nodded at the switch Master Aich had used to turn on the tube, then held out her hand, as though to say, “Not yet.” Leyna nodded back.
Mr. Hertel, Mrs. Bristoll, and Brooks stepped into the room, facing Ed, Wayne, and Dr. Gio. Master Aich and Master Hennert stared at them.
But you must understand how the room was set up. The tube holding Mr. Goble was to the right of the door, in an alcove set back. The switch for it was on the wall next to it, to the extreme right of a door. Ed, Wayne, and Dr. Gio stood about four feet in front of the switch. Leyna stood directly behind them. Mr. Hertel, Mrs. Bristoll, and Brooks stood across from Wayne, Ed, and Dr. Gio, at a distance of about fifteen feet. Mandi, Sarah, and Jeremy were to their left, about five or six feet over. Sarah sat on the stool in front of the computer, Mandi to her right, Jeremy behind them. Master Aich and Master Hennert stood in front of them, about two or three feet. Famous Byron was out in the hallway. It made for a very interesting situation.
“You see, you cannot stop me,” Master Aich said, making sure all of his words were heard equally by all present in the room. “There is only one thing that could lead to my demise, and that is if the Belt of Power was to be removed from the holding tube. And soon, the Belt of Power will seal to the tube, making it impossible to stop me.”
Mandi nodded in Leyna’s general direction. Both girls looked over at the tube Mr. Goble was in. Wrapped around the tube was a long belt, black in color, with strips of color on the ends – white, yellow, blue, red, green. It didn’t look like a “Belt of Power” to any of the others in the room besides the two Masters and their henchmen.
“What do you think?” Sarah whispered to Mandi.
“I’m not too sure. There has to be a way to do it… I’m just not sure how.”
Sarah glanced over at the tabletop next to the computer, where their pitiful hoard of supplies was located. Jeremy still held a high-heeled shoe in his hand, and besides that, they had very little. A few bagels. Some electrical tape and fishing wire. Three or four granola bars.
“Wait.”
“What?” Mandi turned her head halfway towards Sarah, not wanting to take her eyes off Master Aich.
“The electrical tape, fishing wire… shoes... I’ve got it. Throw your mom and Mr. Hertel the sparring pads, tell them to start duking it out with Ed, Wayne, and Dr. Gio. I’ll give Brooks the fishing wire and tell her to start stringing it along the floor to the tube, then secure it with the tape. Jeremy, take the can of rubber cement and do whatever you can to stick the masters to the floor. That’s probably not good martial arts conduct, is it?”
“I don’t think it matters,” Jeremy said, and grabbed the can, darting off quietly behind the tables.
Mandi ran off with the sparring pads, calling, “Mom! Mr. Hertel!”
In a few moments, the whole room was in chaos. Leyna still waited patiently near the switch, waiting for the moment to turn it off. Both masters were stuck to the floor, thanks to Jeremy’s quick work and a colossal amount of rubber cement. Wayne, Ed, and Dr. Gio were having a difficult time fending off Mrs. Bristoll and Mr. Hertel. Brooks was on the floor winding fishing wire towards the tube, a roll of electrical tape around her wrist, Sarah following her with the high-heeled shoe.
And suddenly it all worked. Sarah jammed the high-heeled shoe into the fan at the bottom of the tube. Sparks shot out of the machinery and the tube’s humming stopped. The fluorescent lights turned off. Leyna flipped the switch. Ed, Wayne, and Dr. Gio stumbled over the fishing wire and landed in the hallway near Famous Byron, who had just woken up.
The rest of the electrical tape was used to bind up Masters Claire Hennert and Steve Aich. The police were called. And then it was over. Our three inexperienced heroes and those who had come to rescue them stood face to face in the South Paulsen Ishin-Ryu school, tired, and, in the case of Jeremy, rubber-cemented. Vaca-Matt sat in a chair behind them, rubbing his head and wondering why he wasn’t at the black belt sparring division. Ed, Wayne, and Dr. Gio were similarly clueless.
“I guess we head home,” Mrs. Bristoll said, “though I must say, it’s a bit late for anything now.”
Sarah was looking up at the clock. “No, it’s not, ma’am! Look! It’s only one-thirty!”
“What?” everyone said as a collective whole. “It can’t be,” Mandi added, “it was three-thirty just a few minutes ago.”
Sarah shook her head. “I think we should be home in time for your sparring division, Mr. Goble.”
They loaded back into cars – Mrs. Bristoll, Leyna, Famous Byron, and Dr. Gio in one, Mr. Hertel, Brooks, Wayne, and Ed in another, and Mandi, Sarah, and Jeremy back into the decrepit Ford. As they left, Famous Byron was heard to say, “But I was supposed to save the day!”
Sitting in a sort-of-circle back at the Merillat Center, Mandi glanced over at Sarah and Jeremy. Jeremy was scrubbing his hands with paper towels, attempting to get all the rubber cement off them. Sarah was yawning and looked pretty tired. Mandi could agree; she herself was tired, but had managed to place in her sparring division.
Speaking of which… “Sarai’i, watch, Vaca-Matt’s going to receive his award.”
Master Rodriguez took the microphone. “It is my honor and pleasure to present the Grand Champion awards for today’s tournament. Placing for the breaking division is Lewis Arrhenius, from the Stuyvesant Martial Arts Academy in Gayle, Indiana.”
Everyone clapped and cheered as Lewis, who was a rather stocky man with blond hair and a blond mustache, strode forward to bow and receive his award.
“And for the sparring division, Matt Goble, from the Black Dragon’s Den.”
The gym erupted in cheers and clapping as Mr. Goble walked proudly to the front, bowed, and received his award.
“I think that was pretty successful, don’t you?” Mandi asked, turning around to face Sarah.
But Sarah was asleep.
It was one fine March day, and everything had gone pretty much… wild. But it had all worked out, one way or another.